some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
