I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
