i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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