If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
