my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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