the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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