I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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