Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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