i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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