So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
