Farmville is her only friend.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
