After last night, I could never be a politician.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
