Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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