I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
