i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
