Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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