please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
