Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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