i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
