11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
