tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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