Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
