walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Hippo gnu deer
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
