You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
