Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
