I cannot find my penis.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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