My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
