y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
