I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.