so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
