She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
