So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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