So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
