god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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