I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
