Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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