I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
