this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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