I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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