I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
