It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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