Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
