your parents love me but you hate me
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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