I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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