Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
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tequila makes me forget i have legs
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
whose parrot is this?
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i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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