She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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