Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
