I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
