its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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