I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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