And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
