hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
