Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
