Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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