She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
