nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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