Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
