Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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